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 Something on Twitter sent me running to the inbox that still gets all my FFN alerts and many other mailing list stuff. While I was there, I saw a new review. For a fic I haven't update in 5 years, or whatever it is now. 6 months ago, I would have smiled and shook my head, knowing I'd never write the next chapter of that fic.

But I started writing for TSN the other day, and it's nothing yet, but guys it feels nice. Really nice. I've basically only been writing / thinking about in creative terms original stuff for the last couple of years really. And I love it, and it's amazing. But I think I forgot how much I actually enjoy writing other stuff too, and it's lovely to write something different. Completely different, different style, pace and of course characters doing different things. (There will never be emails about grammar in my original, I doubt.)

And then I see this review, and a little bit of me is all, eh, why not?
OK, I'm not going to suddenly write that fic again, I know that about myself. But even so, somehow it doesn't feel so far away anymore. 

I  was thinking the other day about how when I  first found fic, there was a while when I only read and wrote for two fandoms, and then there was a long while when I  was happily flitting around lots, many lots. And then about a year and a half ago I started getting strongly sucked into one at a time, obsess a lot more than about anything else, and then fall out of them nearly completely when something else sucked me in. 

It's kinda weird. I think there's some kind of correlation with RPF too, because I tend to fall faster and harder into their fandoms but then pick myself up and move on faster too. Whereas for TV shows you watch them over a long period of time and I at least spend a lot of time thinking about writing and plot and character development and stuff that just doesn't apply in RPF. Books stick the most, but irregularly. Books are different creatures entirely, I sometimes think.

It always seems to be the fictional characters fic and fandoms I turn to for comfort.

This post doesn't really have a point. I am wistful.

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 ~ you want to tell everyone, including the internet, about it

~ you are unclear whether you have been drinking singles or doubles but either way, you are more impaired than you had expected

~ after six weeks of basically not talking about politics you finally relax a little, enough to talk vaguely about your confused political background

~ you give holiday tips to your (former) (senior) colleague

~ the idea of getting home in time for church is freaking laughable, not just something to make you feel vaguely guilty

~ you have to restrain yourself going up to a politician from a different party and gushing about how someone you kinda know met him a few weeks back and also you think he is a legend

~ every song on your mp3 player makes you sway happily

~ if was definitely a good idea not to have that last drink your friend bought you

~ you feel like the girl at the bus stop who smiled at you briefly might be some amazing kindred spirit and you really want to know whether she's canadian

~ you try to snuggle into your alcohol blanket

Bye 2010

Dec. 31st, 2010 08:03 pm
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 So, another year has passed.

My first thought when I think about 2010 is that it was a bit of a rubbish year. A terrible, shitty, miserable year. When I think of last January for instance, my immediate thought is how I dreaded going back to college, and of how two small confusing crushes became three hellish infatuations that made me hurt in ways that had been hitherto utterly unimagined and totally underestimated. Intense, intense pain. I think of the grinding drag of depression, the insecurity, the loneliness. And then I think of how that developed, and encompassed anger and betrayal and more pain and more betrayal and again and again, being beaten down. The weird limbo of sudden, awkward freedom. And finally, the lack of the last couple of months, lacking structure and purpose and the lack of money. I think of these things first, and think, god, 2010, good riddance to you.



Then I have some other thoughts too.

I think of the new friends I have found this year. I think of the progress in writing - small, perhaps, but still, real progress - I have made. I think of how I got to see Adam Lambert, among others. Thom Yorke, Imogen Heap, Jay Brannan, Marina, John Barrowman, David Tennant. I think of the absolutely amazing time I had in Canada this summer. I think of the fun I have had, not once but several times, with certain marmalade fish, at the launch of The Demon's Covenant and frolicking together at other time, including just yesterday morning. I think of the gentle lapping of happiness and contentment I felt during that week at the end of Lent term with G and J and E. I think of the play I had such fun helping with. I think of that helter skelter. I think of that absolutely beautiful and perfect day when N and J and I went for a drive in the country. I think of Devon, and of Greece. I think of sitting on the front of that boat and feeling so so good. I think of the gleefulness of being in fandom. I think of how stunningly good it felt to reconnect with the world, to remember what beauty and passion are. To breathe again, to cry again. I think of that day at the fair, jetlagged and with friends and just so happy. I think of my cousin's wedding, how beautiful and happy she was, and how angelic my cousin once removed T is - at this age at least. I think of the good Christmas I just enjoyed, the brilliant birthday before that. I think of the awesome time I was having this time, New Year's Eve, last year, with some of the best people in the world.

I think of how long this list is, and how it isn't complete, and how precious that is.

I think how, despite everything, I sit here happy and hopeful.

Some parts of 2010 were absolutely, totally, horrifically shitty and awful.

But some parts - lots of parts - were brilliant. Beautiful and glorious and perfect. Were supermegafoxyawesomehot. 

I'm so grateful for that.

Now then. Bring on 2011.
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 aka, memes are a great way of procrastinating.

10 things you want to say to 10 people right now )

Feelings, I haz them.

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It's now Monday. It's my birthday on Sunday.

As usual, the thing has been creeping closer for sometime now, and I often do have strange ideas about age - I didn't really feel comfortable as 16 for example, in my head I basically went from 15 to 17. But this is now my last week as a teenager. That's weird.

I suppose after 20 years it might be expected that I would have some kind of confident and comfortable identity together by now, but I don't know, there is something weird about having the catch all excuse for my life of "teenager" being removed that just seems quite odd. And there isn't really anything to replace it with. I'm an adult, but I've been an adult for almost two years now and it's nothing to write home about. I'm a young person, but I've always been a young person. 

I think perhaps I am just being supremely silly. When I turned 13, I wasn't struck by lightning, nothing really changed. So why is the idea of no longer being a teenager so... not bad, just, odd.

I wonder if this is why people starting getting obsessed with anti-aging treatments. Less fear of actual aging, and more that they just don't want their faces, such an important part of the identity that others regard us by, changing without our knowledge and permission.

It really does feel like a couple of weeks ago that I was having my 18th birthday party, and it was two years ago (today, I think.) That can't be right. What if I turn around and I'm 30? Spooky.

Having written this, I am actually somewhat excited for my birthday for the first time in... well, in ages, that I can remember. I'm actually not sure I've ever been this excited for a birthday. Maybe my 15th, I think that one was ok. I'm not great at birthdays, least of all my own. But I'm going to have a nice meal out and then go and see Marina and the Diamonds, who I love love love, so. That sounds like a pretty good birthday to me.

So really, what am I worried about?
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I am sitting in a library right now while N takes a Spanish test. I think it is actually a theology library :) Montreal is a lovely place - essentially, it is very relaxed, which is nice.

Some things that I have noticed, but are too silly to really talk about:
* The vast majority of cars here only have number plates on the back, but still have the space for a number plate on the front, just it's left as a blank space. Which looks odd - kinda like seeing a face where instead of a mouth, there was just smooth skin o.O
* All the toilets here have the flush handle on the left, (whereas in the UK they are always on the right) so I feel like an idiot each time I instinctively reach for the wrong side
* Montreal is on a grid system, with blocks. This is very strange to me.
* Because of the grid system, people walk and drive in straight lines an awful lot, and cars turning actually hardly seems to happen. People just keep going in a straight line for ages. And pedestrians are constantly crossing these square intersections, which is a weird thing to think is noticeabe I guess, but yeah. All the time.
* They have bendy buses here. I'm not entirely sure why, since they hardly ever go round corners. Also, they don't use the space on them very eficiently in the number of seats:space on the bus. Plus, the bus fares are about as much as they are in London, which surprised me because everything else here is quite cheap generally. I wonder whether the taxes are very low or something.
* There is a big and very liberal drugs culture here, which I knew before I came but is different to witness in person, but there is far less of a drinking culture. Essentially, most of the students I have met have at least tried weed, if they don't use weed and shrooms and painkillers regularly, but when I explained that I didn't really like wine or beer much and instead mainly drunk vodka and gin (and tequila, and sambuca, and... :P) I got a slightly weird look. That they use the word "liquor" here is in itself kinda odd to me.

One of the things I think is really lovely about Montreal is the vibrant diversity and the complete lack of tension between people (that I have noticed, anyway.) Racially and culturally, with Jews and Chinatown and the Greek quarter and the different types of Muslims and Italians around and so many other ethnicities and types of people, and there are people that only speak French as well as people that speak French and English, and there are so many students because there are four universities. And there is such an amazing gay culture here. I have met so many skinny hipster gay boys since I got here, it's crazy. And there is just a complete and utter lack of any kind of tension or intolerance or irritation or anything negative toward anyone, and it's wonderful, and somehow, kinda hopeful to me, because it really demonstrates that it is so totally possible for people to really happily and comfortably live together as just people, seemingly not just without hatred but without any kind of resentment or . OK, I'm probably seeing this slightly rose tintedly, and it's very possible that there could be tension beneath the surface or whatever, and maybe people get more irritable when the whether isn't as nice as it is right now or whatever. But this is one of the major things I have noticed about Montreal. Everyone is super relaxed and comfortable in a way I didn't really realise the UK wasn't.

Having said t his, I have been warned that the police here can be horrible. Though, come to think of it, I don't think I've even seen a police officer since getting here.

Also, there a lot of good quality thrift stores that are like looking for treasure.

I'm having a really nice time, I'm so glad I came here :)
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I really haven't been very sociable the last couple of days. A couple, I just stayed in my pjs all day. So much of my future, of my life is on hold. I think about it, what clothes I'll take, what societies I'll join, and some things I have two parallel plans for - how frugal I have to be, what, other than Theology, I'll study, whether I'll look for a job. In my diary, I have two sets of dates for shows penciled in, depending on what city I'll be in at that month.

It was nice today to meet up with my friend C - I haven't seen her since our school leaving Ball, over a month ago now, and we wailed about such things together. We could go to Cambridge together, or we could be separated by, I dunno, 100 miles I guess, maybe more. At least with some of my friends, I know they'll be far away from me. We try not to talk about what we'd do there if we both get in but its tricky, things slip out and then I feel weird. She'll get in easy, and so will a couple of my other friends, and then there's me and ok a couple of other people for whom its really uncertain. Its killing to know that everyone else - the university, ucas, our school - already know.

But yes. It was lovely, casual, normal and relaxing to meet her and trail around some shops, like we've done a hundred times before. I haven't really shopped, except a pilmgrimage to H&M last weekend when I was in London, since before exams, and maybe I'm a complete girl that's been ruined by a consumerist society, but it is nice to shop. Really, to find something that looks really nice and you can actually afford and you can think of several ways you could wear it. It doesn't always help if I'm depressed or miserable, but as a way to spend an afternoon, generally, highly recommended. Aaah. I'm also highly considering blowing more money than I would spend in a shop on a couple of T-shirts of tinternet and the shipping costs. I just want them, ok? I'm going to be living in jeans and T-shirts, so clearly I will need T-shirts, and I think I can justify an extra £20 if they make me smile when I have nothing else in my approaching life of poverty. That's my list; a laptop, chocolate and some nice T-shirts. That's all I need to live on.

And tomorrow, I get to see some fishies! I'll have to actually get out of bed at a normal time to get to London, but I'm sure it will be excellent fun, and I hope the weather forecast holds.

But, I don't know. My life is about to take a big change, whatever happens. I guess its kinda like being on a rollercoster that pauses at the top of a huge drop. We've been climbing this for years and years, and our exams were months ago, and we can see the edge before the fall and the twists and turns that everyone has said is really exciting and fun, but honestly just look pretty scary here. And I'm stuck here, paused, for another 2 and a half days. It's agonising.

I've picked my laptop though. I'm still checking a couple more websites to see whether I can get it the same but cheaper anywhere, but I'm pretty happy with the price and model I''ve found already, so I think I'll order it soon. I'd like to get it before September preferably, because I want to do some serious writing in September.

I need to look up student bank accounts. God, can I please just be a student already? I clearly think I am.

I suspect in hindsight, this will turn out to be one of the stranger times in my life.


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the camelion Poet

July 2013



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