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altogetherisi So, another year has passed.
My first thought when I think about 2010 is that it was a bit of a rubbish year. A terrible, shitty, miserable year. When I think of last January for instance, my immediate thought is how I dreaded going back to college, and of how two small confusing crushes became three hellish infatuations that made me hurt in ways that had been hitherto utterly unimagined and totally underestimated. Intense, intense pain. I think of the grinding drag of depression, the insecurity, the loneliness. And then I think of how that developed, and encompassed anger and betrayal and more pain and more betrayal and again and again, being beaten down. The weird limbo of sudden, awkward freedom. And finally, the lack of the last couple of months, lacking structure and purpose and the lack of money. I think of these things first, and think, god, 2010, good riddance to you.
But.
But.
Then I have some other thoughts too.
I think of the new friends I have found this year. I think of the progress in writing - small, perhaps, but still, real progress - I have made. I think of how I got to see Adam Lambert, among others. Thom Yorke, Imogen Heap, Jay Brannan, Marina, John Barrowman, David Tennant. I think of the absolutely amazing time I had in Canada this summer. I think of the fun I have had, not once but several times, with certain marmalade fish, at the launch of The Demon's Covenant and frolicking together at other time, including just yesterday morning. I think of the gentle lapping of happiness and contentment I felt during that week at the end of Lent term with G and J and E. I think of the play I had such fun helping with. I think of that helter skelter. I think of that absolutely beautiful and perfect day when N and J and I went for a drive in the country. I think of Devon, and of Greece. I think of sitting on the front of that boat and feeling so so good. I think of the gleefulness of being in fandom. I think of how stunningly good it felt to reconnect with the world, to remember what beauty and passion are. To breathe again, to cry again. I think of that day at the fair, jetlagged and with friends and just so happy. I think of my cousin's wedding, how beautiful and happy she was, and how angelic my cousin once removed T is - at this age at least. I think of the good Christmas I just enjoyed, the brilliant birthday before that. I think of the awesome time I was having this time, New Year's Eve, last year, with some of the best people in the world.
I think of how long this list is, and how it isn't complete, and how precious that is.
I think how, despite everything, I sit here happy and hopeful.
Some parts of 2010 were absolutely, totally, horrifically shitty and awful.
But some parts - lots of parts - were brilliant. Beautiful and glorious and perfect. Were supermegafoxyawesomehot.
I'm so grateful for that.
Now then. Bring on 2011.
My first thought when I think about 2010 is that it was a bit of a rubbish year. A terrible, shitty, miserable year. When I think of last January for instance, my immediate thought is how I dreaded going back to college, and of how two small confusing crushes became three hellish infatuations that made me hurt in ways that had been hitherto utterly unimagined and totally underestimated. Intense, intense pain. I think of the grinding drag of depression, the insecurity, the loneliness. And then I think of how that developed, and encompassed anger and betrayal and more pain and more betrayal and again and again, being beaten down. The weird limbo of sudden, awkward freedom. And finally, the lack of the last couple of months, lacking structure and purpose and the lack of money. I think of these things first, and think, god, 2010, good riddance to you.
But.
But.
Then I have some other thoughts too.
I think of the new friends I have found this year. I think of the progress in writing - small, perhaps, but still, real progress - I have made. I think of how I got to see Adam Lambert, among others. Thom Yorke, Imogen Heap, Jay Brannan, Marina, John Barrowman, David Tennant. I think of the absolutely amazing time I had in Canada this summer. I think of the fun I have had, not once but several times, with certain marmalade fish, at the launch of The Demon's Covenant and frolicking together at other time, including just yesterday morning. I think of the gentle lapping of happiness and contentment I felt during that week at the end of Lent term with G and J and E. I think of the play I had such fun helping with. I think of that helter skelter. I think of that absolutely beautiful and perfect day when N and J and I went for a drive in the country. I think of Devon, and of Greece. I think of sitting on the front of that boat and feeling so so good. I think of the gleefulness of being in fandom. I think of how stunningly good it felt to reconnect with the world, to remember what beauty and passion are. To breathe again, to cry again. I think of that day at the fair, jetlagged and with friends and just so happy. I think of my cousin's wedding, how beautiful and happy she was, and how angelic my cousin once removed T is - at this age at least. I think of the good Christmas I just enjoyed, the brilliant birthday before that. I think of the awesome time I was having this time, New Year's Eve, last year, with some of the best people in the world.
I think of how long this list is, and how it isn't complete, and how precious that is.
I think how, despite everything, I sit here happy and hopeful.
Some parts of 2010 were absolutely, totally, horrifically shitty and awful.
But some parts - lots of parts - were brilliant. Beautiful and glorious and perfect. Were supermegafoxyawesomehot.
I'm so grateful for that.
Now then. Bring on 2011.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 12:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 01:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 11:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 01:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 10:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:03 pm (UTC)*insert cat-macro here*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-31 11:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 12:04 am (UTC)WELCOME TO 2011!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 01:50 am (UTC)I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT MACRO
*HUGS YOU SUPERTIGHT*
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 12:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 01:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 12:38 am (UTC)Love you!
xxxx
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 02:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 08:39 am (UTC)EVEN IF SHE'S READING A HOW-TO-DRAW BOOK
(what a loser, amirite?)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-01 02:04 am (UTC)