I don't know anything about phones anymore

[altogetherisi]

 In a post which may make me seem weird and old and old fashioned, I shall begin by lamenting that a) I need a new phone and b) I do not understand phones these days. To be honest, I only just understood phones when I last bought one, and that was in like 2008, just before everyone decided that the iPhone actually wasn't bizarre and stupid and everyone bought one and never puts them down.

So. I would appreciate any help.

I am seeking:
~ something that I can use twitter on
~ and whatsapp, I hear all the cool kids use whatsapp
~ and maybe google maps for when I am lost
~ something fairly shiny lbr
~ with a half decent battery life

I am not hugely fussed about the camera, or the ability to play music or video, although having the ability on occasion might be nice.

I would like to get something super cheap. Like, super cheap. Whether this means the cheapest contracts available, or buying a mildly expensive handset that is still on PAYG (can you even *do* PAYG with wifi stuff? IDEK that is how ignorant I have become.) I am not sure. I feel bizarrely nervous about being trapped in a contract, despite obviously having my last phone for four years which is bloody old for a phone. 

BASICALLY CAN ANYONE HELP ME

Do you have recommendations? Or brands to avoid? Do you have advice?

Comments

[alexwlchan]

I actually found a comment form through my reading page, but thanks Azz.

What’s the phantom alarm?

[azurelunatic]

When you set an alarm, you expect it to go off.

When you delete an alarm, you expect it to never go off again.

Somehow, I've managed to get an alarm that appears nowhere except when it's actually going off, which I cannot make stop happening. Other people have had the same problem, and the only way to fix it is, to quote the displayed name of someone you don't know, to wipe the disk array.