Did I dream the whole thing
Apr. 29th, 2009 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altogetherisiThis is my attempt to express what happened, that I can remember, though I think I missed some bits and some of it might be in th wrong order. But whatever, I have to get all this stuff out. Just, can be summarised WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
So, the opening - apparently its 1845. Really? Um, ok then, whatever you say. One young boy, James, is very ill, while another, Victor, is very annoying. Then the younger, ill one’s dad turns up to comfort him, and then the older, meaner one’s dad turns up, and shoots the younger one’s dad. The younger one is scared and confused and angry, but apparently no longer sick, and grows bone claw thingys- he’s Wolverine! But young! Mini Wolverine roars, in a very bizarre and hilarious fashion, and kills the guy that killed his father.
But, apparently this was actually his real father killing his stepfather. As if that makes it so much better. And then his mum freaks out, and mini Wolverine legs it, barefoot out into the forest. Victor is creepy and weird- he catches up with James, who is apparently Logan aka Wolverine, though not yet, and tackles him but then then band together as brothers and form a protective bond that lasts over a century, despite in the previous scene not really seeming to like each other much. Huh.
Roll credits – James and Victor fight in a lot of wars in a lot of different uniforms. Joy. They don’t bother to let anyone know at what point did they stopped aging, or indeed, how come Victor can heal as well as Wolverine. Anyway, they face a firing squad, and then they survive! Wow.
They’re put in solitary confinement, right out of Chicken Run apparently, until they have a visitor. Oh look, its Stryker. Isn't he a bit old? He thinks they are special, and wants to recruit them. I wonder what for...
Stryker has made a team! They are all made up of cool young men who follow orders and have special abilities, though its confusing what their powers/abilities actually are- one guys seems to be flying the plane but it appears that he cotrols electricity while two of them are really good with guns and swordsbut maybe they’re just talented? The token black guy sidekick, played by will.i.am can materialise apparently, but I wasn’t sure at first whether he as doing that or if he was invisible.
They go to Africa and show off the teams abilities by breaking into a building in an unnecessarily complex and showy fashion. The boss guy ofers them diamonds, but it isn’t diamonds Stryker wants. What he wants is…
Ah, adamantine. I see.
They try to find more at a remote village, but the teamand paticularly Victor are getting to rough, too muderous and immoral, so Logan is like “You guys are crazy, I’m outta here.” Victor yells "JIMMY!" a whole bunch, but to no avail. His name's Logan, dick.
Six years pass. Um, why? Is there any reason for this?
Electric guy is being all cute and electric at a fun fair keeping lightbulbs on for no reason. OMG HE COULD SOLVE ALL THE WORLD'S ENERGY PROBLEMS, that is until Victor kills him, for like, absolutely no reason. WHAT.
Wolverine is back in Canada and has a cute girlfriend, who kisses him in front of his lumberjack mates but its ok, because shes hot. They live in a ridculous cabin, but he cuts down trees, which is sad. She tells him a stor about the moon, and doesn't freak out when his claws come out. She also has a power, oh yes, yes she does. She's so lovely, she's gonna die. Fo Sho.
Stryker rocks up with this Zero bloke, the gun one, who shoots Wolverine's lame cigar. Wolverine refuses them, and has a nice axe.
So Victor kills Wolverine's cute girlfriend. Wolverine kinda sniffs weirdly, and sees the head of what is presumably a wolverine, and some bloody claw marks, and finds his dead girlfriend. He roars, like raaaar.
Fights Victor in a bar. Like, RAARRR.
Gets his claws stamped on. Ooooh *cringe*.
Goes to Stryker, gets involved in silly process to give him the tools to get his revenge. Stryker wants to make him Weapon X, and there are lots of concerned scientists/doctors and curious generals looking on. Zero is there, hoping Wolverine dies. Someone’s a bit jealous. Anyway, Logan lies back and thinks of Canada, and his dead girlfriend for comfort. This is clearly so comforting a thought that he dies.
Flatline. Well, that was a short movie. Zero is secretly pleased. Meh. Stryker seem to care, but then doesn’t seems to care, just wants his DNA. Then, Wolverine is not so dead. Yay! And, oooh, he’s angry. And naked! YAY! Naked and running and angry and jumping down a waterfall. Um, ok then. Why not.
Then, cut to Smallville. Aunt May and Uncle whatshisname driving truck. Picturesque farm, complete with water tower. Naked Hugh Jackman is very agile, and in their barn. Very nice people real. Uncle whatshisname gets a shot gun and investigates, which is weird because Aunt May clearly wanted to investigate herself. Who can blame her?
Uncle whatshisname find naked!Hugh Jackman in his barn, arranged very artfully. He's like, its cold. Uncle whatshisname is like, yeah, you're naked. And invites him in. Not reall sure why, but agrees to lend him some clothes that apparently belonged to his son. These are so not the clothes of Peter Parker, though maybe redK!Clark might have had a leather jacket. Hmmm. Throws him a blanket to "cover it up" so not to give the old lady a heart attack. What a way to go that would be...
Wolverine examines his claws, apparently sharpening them on themselves. Which is odd. And then he falls over, and distroys the couples bathroom.
Doesn't really try to hide it. They seem remarkably unflustered. Decent. "not a word I've heard in a while." At this point, as Hugh Jackman is sadl dressed again, it is a word we perhaps would like to hear less often. Oh well. The make him sleep in the barn though, nothing he can break in there. More Smallville flashes.
The next morning, Uncle whatshisname gives Logan a leather jacket that fits perfectly. Aunt May sas its fits perfectl, and then, having fed, clothed and sheltered Wolverine the are killed. B Zero! From a long way away! They are shot, but then the barn is blown up by a helipcopter with missiles for like… no reason. Wolverine escapes on the motorbike. Wooosh.
He tries to get away but the catch him, so Wolverine has to take them out. Using the claws, oh yeah. Takes out like a jeep and a mounted gun and launches himself at a helicopter, takes it down, it explodes a bit. Zero is dying. Logan tells Stryker he’s coming for him, right after Victor. Maybe if he just got his priorities straight life would be easier.
Scott gets detention, and then destroys half his school, and is then abducted. Victor seems slightly insecure about his deal with Stryker. In hindsight, i realise that I have no idea what this deal was, whether we were ever told. I just. WHAT. At least I can go Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott!!!
Cut to Vegas. No, I don’t really know why either. The token black guy side kick dude, who ability to be invisible/materialise randomly is apparently not ironic, is running a boxing ring and while apparently isn’t a bad guy anymore doesn’t rally seem all that cut up over his former life, though he’s clearly bored. There is an incredible fat guy, who was also part of the team. I have no idea what that was about. But, another fight scene. The fat guys neck creeps me out.
The fat guy is stupid, and probably concussed, but he’s still able to point out to Logan that of course Victor and Stryker are working together, DUH. And, his girlfriend died so Logan would agree to the experiment. And, there’s this island place. “See you on the island.” There is no island, Logan! That’s just what they call it when the kill you to give your body parts to your rich clone. But, whatever, because one guy managed to escape the island. He's good at cards, so maybe we could segue into a high stakes poker game a la Casino Royale?
No such luck; Logan has only $17 on him. This is a surprise; on the one hand, why does he not have any money? One the other hand, where did he get even that much? What a random amount to pick. Black materialising dude isn’t intimidated by Victor’s scary black coat. But, then he dies. Gambit throws cards that throw Wolverine through a wall. This seems confusing – are the cad part of his power? If so, how stupid. If not, whats with the cards? Clearly the cards are part of his character, yet they are used once in this one scene and never seen again. How odd.
Having been thrown into the street, Wolverine fights Victor, um, again, and nearly wins, but gets distracted by the sword dude, who I swear came outt nowhere, like WHAT. Oh and at some point Wolverine like smacks Gambit in the face I think, or was that the sword guy. Not sure. But, a snappy comeback alright.
Gambit finally figures out that Wolverine is on his side. Luck he might be, but an idiot also. But, apparently he has a plane, and the abilit to fly it. Despite having sworn he was never going back, Gambit seems totall cool to now be going back to the ominous island. Which, it turns out, is Three Mile Island, so like, a nuclear power plant in New ork or something improbable like that. Wolverine jumps out of the plane, presumably into the sea, but apparently not only retains his shoes and jacket but doesn’t even get wet. I just. WHAT.
Cut to inside, where Stryker is conducting dastardly experiments. He may be Stryker, but it strikes me that why does this guy have two separate location for his dastardly experiements? This seems excessive, especially since earlier the old general guy was like, Wolverine cost half $1bn. So this is what he’s been doing with the other half I guess. Old general guy is like, your son killed your wife. That’s messed up dude. Stryker is like “I kill you!” But instead of a tray, he uses a long sharp pointed stick. Which, I note, he cleans carefully afterward. A mix of Serenity and Narnia I feel.
They’re making Weapon 11 ni what amount to open surgery basically, I’m not entirely sure why the doctors looked to be all scrubbed in even though they are in, like, a dirty warehouse. Dude, haven’t you heard of MRSA? Also, Wolverine totally totalled the first adamantium on your bones machine, so I’m not really sure why this guy doesn’t get the same treatment. Stryker has an entiely separate base, but just the one machine. Very odd.
Wolverine shows up, and Stryker has a heart to heart with him, about how crap he is. Then, his dead girlriend shows up? A clone? No, it reall is her; she tricked Wolverine AS WELL, and is also working with Strker. Is anyone not working for Stryker. Jeez. He has her sister. But, they were totes in lurve. Victor is watching, from the side I guessed, but then seems to drop from the ceiling. So I don’t know whats up with that. Wolverine leaves, AGAIN, with I would point out, his shirt and jacket, from Aunt May, still on.
Kayla’s all like, “Let my people go!” But the evil Pharoah, I mean Stryker, is like, “Um, no.” Then Victor grabs her neck – apparently Kayla’s powers don’t work on Victor. Which seems ridiculous just in and of itself. She screams. Outside Wolverine hears her. And then, WHOA- Wolverine is inside, wearing his vest, and he roars and runs at Victor! I do not know where his shirt/jacket went, but look at those shoulders!
Wolverine seems to win, but instead of killing Victor (um, can he?) he punches him, and then mopes for a while. Kayla is like, He has my sister. He has my sister. She is shiny. He has my sister. Woverine forgives her for manipulating him and stomping all over his heart, but she has to say it a couple more times before he gets the hint and they go rescue her and the other teenaged mutant ninja turtles. Including Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott!
There are like, loads of kids in cages, showing off their powers. Wolverine releases them, at which point they return to being useless teenagers, except for shiny girl and Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott, who shouts a whole loads when he uses his power. Wolverine and Kayla try to lead them to safety but oh no – its Weapon 11, who despite the adamantium not having bonded to his bones properly, hmm, I don’t know, maybe because they didn’t use the proper machine, has got up and stood threateningly in a doorway. He is being operated like a video game by Stryker, who really didn’t strike me as the type, but whatever, this movie is so trippy.
So, rather than getting all these teenage mutant ninja turtles to help out in an epic battle, instead Wolverine decided he’ll take on the weirdo mutant himself, and gets Kayla to lead the rest of the kids away. They have no idea where they are going, and then Kayla decides to also leave them to it. So they wander around aimlessly for a while- they were trying to get out, and seemed to be on the ground floor when the started, so I have no idea why they seemed to go deeper and deeper into the facility – then again, the are following the directions of a blind guy. You would have thought one of the teenage mutant ninja turtles would have been pyschic, or had some kind of abilit that would have helped them out, but noooo. The just have the shiny girl and the directions of a blind kid.
Anyway, Wolverine gets into an epically long fight sequence with the Gary Stu with no mouth. Some how, they climb a chimney, like, for NO REASON. Ching ching zing- they fight. And they fight and they fight. And then, mutant Gary Stu with no mouth starts pulls out more powers, particularly materialising. I'm not really sure why, since Stryker earlier had this whole speech about how they’d spent ages combining different powers. Yet, the only powers this Gary Stu with no mouth has are the combined powes of the team. Oh, and Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott’s power as well. Which seems kinda stupid, but I guess makes sense for people watching the movie that might not understand what the hell is going on. Which is probably quite a few people
Gary Stu is beating Wolverine, and then knocks him off the chimney! Argh!
But wait! He’s been caught! By VICTOR! Wow – the guy that Wolverine has spent the whole movie trying to kill just saved his life!
Somehow they decide the must fight together against the multi grain Gary Stu with no mouth. Well, they are brothers, even if they really want to kill each other. OOCs must stand together against bizaro Gary Stu's that Stryker is using as a self insert. But even with both of them, the multi grain Stu is winning. And, I would like to point out, this is where it gets truly crazy, The guy is de and rematerialising really fast, ok, but there's a point where the guy is IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE because he is apparently doing so so fast. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.
But it’s what he does with Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott’s power that is just such utter bollocks, its totally unbelievable. Multi Stu uses it against Wolverine – who blocks it with his adamantine claws. This is just the most crap thing I ever seen. And then, fight fight fight, by working together Victor ad Logan manage to stab multi Stu and cut his head off. Yayness!
Stu’s head is off, but its still firing Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott’s power. Um, WHY? Logan and Victor drop him down the chimney, but the spinning head, which has been SEPARATED FROM STUS BODY is STILL firing Scott’s power, and starts cutting a spiral into the industrial chimney. WTF? It starts collapsing, because gravity is still working.
And then, for NO REASON, Victor says something trite and jumps off the chimney into the reactor, following Stu’s body. WHAT?! WHY? DUDE.
Kayla has got back, in time to collapse and not really help out much. Wolverine has managed to jump off the correct side of the chimney and is doing ok. Stryker has lost his video game, so has turned to his back up plan – a gun with adamantine bullets. This had showed up earlier in the film and made me very angry, because it looked like silver bullets for a werewolf, and we were just like WTF HE’S NOT A WEREWOLF, and also how would they hurt him?! YOU HAVE CLEARLY NOT THOUGHT THIS OUT.
When Stryker starts loading it up, the main concerned scientist/doctor lad points this out, which makes me feel justified in my increasingly loud murmuring of WHAT THE HELL. To which Stryker is like, he’ll heal but he’ll forget. Which is a clever way to work that in, and makes J and I both go “Ooooh”. And then I’m like WAIT THAT IS RIDICULOUS because we saw them putting adamantine on his freaking skull, so what make you think the bullet would even get into his head? I just. WHAT?
Anyway, Wolverine cradles Kala and is like “I love you.” And Stryker turns up and Wolverine goes for him, and is like "WHY???" And I echo this sentiment fully. WTF MAN, I just WHAT??? THE FUCK. And then he starts shooting, seems to get him about twice, maybe three times, before hitting him in the head, flooring him. And when he’s down, Stryker shoots him AGAIN because he’s a paranoid sonofabitch, and because there really isn’t that much use for adamantine bullets. Except, y’know, for shooting normal people, which is what he tries to do to Kayla.Well, I say normal, because she is of course A MUTANT and uses her power of persuasion to get Stryker to turn the gun on himself… and then drop it and walk away. Literally; he is ordered to walk until his feet bleed, and then a bit more too. Yes, I thought that was lame too.
So off he goes.
And Kayla dies. And Wolverine wakes up. And doesn’t remember anything. And then out of nowhere, Gambit shows up again, like WHAT? And Wolverine doesn’tremembe him, or Kayla, but he closes her eyes and then Gambit leaves again, so I’m like well why even have him turn up again at all?
And Scott Scott Scott Scott Scott and his merry band of useless teenage mutant ninja turtles emerge blinking into the sunlight, except Scott Scot Scott Scott Scott himself of course because the poor kid is either blind or blindfolded or maybe both, but they emerge and encounter a familiar looking helicopter. And who is coming down the stairs but… PROFESSOR X! Of course, of course. He is walking, I'm not sure why, but the timelines are so confused I'm not even sure when its set anymore. I’m just relieved that something kinda nearly sensible is happening. Oh except that is not, because this is ALL CONFUSING CRAP, but whatevs. They go of to school with Patrick Stewart and Logan wanders off all confused and angry and alone. Sucks for him.
Credits begin, as does loud discussion about WHAT THE HELL DID WE JUST WITNESS and my decision that clearly, Logan lost his memory due to waking up during the procedure, and this whole movie is the crazy ass trippy dream that he had just before he woke up, enraged and confused, just like us
Then, then credits are interrupted for an extra scene! Ooh, excitement. Bare in mind that the extra bit after X3 was deemed the best part of the whole bloody mess. But, its really lame – Stryker has been walking for ages, and has traded his smart shoes for some velcro sandals. And then he gets arrested for murdering the general. Remember him? Yeah, we didn’t care all that much about that paticular murder, considering ALL THE OTHER SHIT THAT WENT DOWN and actually, now I come to think about it what with that massive chimney falling down and Logan leaving behind mainly debris, I’m prety surprised anyone even found the general’s body at all.
More credits, more discussion of I CAN’T TELL WHETHER I ENJOYED THAT OR NOT and then another extra scene! Woo! Its Logan in a bar, and we’re all – oh, is it the beginning of X Men, because that would be neat, right, only he’s in Japan, so it isn’t, instead he’s of to become a samurai or something or nothing. And then, height of rudeness, the cnema curtain starts coming down before they’ve quite finished projecting Hugh Jackman’s face, which is just brilliant, thanks for that.
I just. This movie was so incredibly FRUSTRATING.
