I'm a big fan of introducing characters by showing them in an action that describes what they are like; that's what you've almost managed really well! I'd urge you to consider combining the two parts of the first sentence though to give it more impact. If you can find a way to make it a simple sentence rather than a compound, it would be a stunning first line, because it's already a great introduction. Something like "Mert woke himself when he abruptly fell from the window sill" although NOT that, for that is a little dull. It's just a little more immediate?
Also near the end, you put that Mert was in a bad mood - "not on today of all days". That's something you won't need to tell plainly when you do your light edit of this piece, because it's something you can so easily tie into his actions.
The imagery of this snippet is a good structure, I'm just feeling that this is completely first draft, and that you get out what you want to say and then don't stop at completely the right place in the sentence, if that makes sense. But that's a good way to write because it's so much easier to cut extra words out.
For example,
"The magic hung there, in the space where the glass wasn’t, faking docility, for a moment of calm."
This proves you have such a great sense of vocabulary, but this is something you want to show off. Changing it to,
"The magic hung there in the space where the glass wasn’t, faking docility."
really emphasises your great word choice.
Then as Mert "breathed" (try exhaled - it fits with his reluctance better), this dispels the magic, no "moment of calm" necessary.
Basically, you have some great imagery, a good solid character introduction, all masked by a few extra words here and there which should vanish in a good edit.
...wait, are you sure you wanted more comments on your LJ? I can stalk more quietly in the future.
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I'm a big fan of introducing characters by showing them in an action that describes what they are like; that's what you've almost managed really well! I'd urge you to consider combining the two parts of the first sentence though to give it more impact. If you can find a way to make it a simple sentence rather than a compound, it would be a stunning first line, because it's already a great introduction. Something like "Mert woke himself when he abruptly fell from the window sill" although NOT that, for that is a little dull. It's just a little more immediate?
Also near the end, you put that Mert was in a bad mood - "not on today of all days". That's something you won't need to tell plainly when you do your light edit of this piece, because it's something you can so easily tie into his actions.
The imagery of this snippet is a good structure, I'm just feeling that this is completely first draft, and that you get out what you want to say and then don't stop at completely the right place in the sentence, if that makes sense. But that's a good way to write because it's so much easier to cut extra words out.
For example,
"The magic hung there, in the space where the glass wasn’t, faking docility, for a moment of calm."
This proves you have such a great sense of vocabulary, but this is something you want to show off. Changing it to,
"The magic hung there in the space where the glass wasn’t, faking docility."
really emphasises your great word choice.
Then as Mert "breathed" (try exhaled - it fits with his reluctance better), this dispels the magic, no "moment of calm" necessary.
Basically, you have some great imagery, a good solid character introduction, all masked by a few extra words here and there which should vanish in a good edit.
...wait, are you sure you wanted more comments on your LJ? I can stalk more quietly in the future.